into the ocean

recess week is finally here.

all's good and bad at the same time.
but bad always takes over the emotions more and makes sure it's heard out.
the good tries to squeeze out a whisper but is barely heard.

somebody's stepping on my toes and pushing all the wrong buttons. and it's realli just not sitting well with me. and the worst part of it all.. there's nothing i can do.


i wont be blogging about it.
instd.. im putting up the lyrics of a song which i like.. and which is mildly appropriate for the mood im in right now.

into the ocean - blue october

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like "Fourteen miles away"

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just ran out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now.. come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed and floated into space

I want to swim away but don' know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now.. come down
Let the rain come down

Now walking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)


-i love the chorus.

--
on a lighter note.. the good whispers:

-grandma's cataract op went just fine.
she's just taking sme time to recover.
-i went running yesterday.. and my legs ache.
-i've got research for my hist essay.
jus gotta get down to reading the stuff.
-i went threading today!!
-i love that im close to van now. :)
-i want to watch gene kelly movies in the next holidays.
and singing in the rain!

and tmr is cg lunch, arts dor, mooncake celeb day. :)

tmr will be a better day.
it just has to be.

at last! :)

i have been ITCHING to blog the past few days.. BUT i abstained from doing so because of the madness of tests which came upon me.
and at last, my two tests are over. :)

that just leaves one mini class presentation [if you can call it that] on friday.. and two essays to tackle over the week.
both the essays are due on the same day - mon, 1st oct. haha
oh well, at least only one is reserach-based. the other one is more a take-home exam/test. :)

that having been said. there's a few things that have happened these last few days which are worthy of mention:

firstly..
MELVIN IS BACK!!! :)

yayness, we're so glad to have you back melvin.
[as you can see.. we gladly put you to full use! :)]

secondly..
our new maid is such a joy. lol.
grandma gets along with her well.. and that's realli important.
but not only that, she's so cute smetimes -let me show you an example.

the other day.. i was going to bathe.. when i realised smth strange about the toilet.
see for yourself:


standing at attention

and here's another view of the line-up:


amazing. i called my sis over. and she thought it was my brother trying to be funny.. turned out it wasn't. so we realised that it must've been the maid. mum and dad got called down to take a look too and we all ended up laughing uncontrollably. :]


thirdly..
father's sermon last friday.. was of great inspiration to me :)
and im glad that we took that idea for cg!

it's been realli wonderful. i love my cg members! :)
esp when there are pple like amanda leong and germ and joyce and pris and niic.. and victor and vivien and ranneth and jem and russell and sharon and elizabeth and audrey and deborah and amanda tan etc.. [yeah i think i just named everybody :)]
they're all so fantastic.
and it's great to noe that the sessions are benfitting pple. truly amazing.

just smth to share with you.. a cross in my pocket:


had to make the pic bigger so that you can read the words.
it is truly a wonderful poem.
thank you verna mae thomas :)

--

okay.. that's it for the pictures part. :)

on another note.
smth's been repeatedly knocking agst my door and drumming itself into me lately.

im a history major.. it's time to bring out the polish and shine!
wy was v sweet today.. msged ta wish me gd luck for nation-building test..
wy: "gd luck for e test. u can do it, u r born to ace hist"
me: hahahaha.. thanks dear. i guess i haven't realised my destiny yet then. lol

no more room for mediocre.
time to step it up a little and be as sharp as history majors are supposed to be.

as nonis and justin were talking cock on the way to nation-building test today.. we shld aim for the stars.. so that even if you fall.. it'll be alright.
-cept that you may get lost in outer space lah LOL
-hopefully smebody will bring you back.

time i aimed for the stars a little..


psst.. RECESS WEEK IS COMING!!! :]
yay! tra-la-la dum-dee-dum

whhoooot! :)

okay. this blog is beginning to be a real distraction. lol

the weekend is coming to a close. already!!
hmm.. time just seems to fly by lately.
i've spent a lot of this weekend.. sleeping. and eating?

oh well. for a good cause i guess.
hopefully, more sleep means i sleep less during lectures. haha.. note the keyword- hopefully. lol

seriously.. i seem to be pigging out during meals these days.
perhaps it's a sign that the uninvited monthly guest is coming. hmm.
or maybe im just becoming a pig. or swine.. as justin, max and nonis like to [affectionately?] call each other. lol :)

damn.. time to start eating less and exercising more.
but with all these commitments and plus trying to catch up on work/readings.. sigh.. i must start running again during recess week. and hopefully.. try and fit in a squash game (or two) smewhere. :D

--
im re-discovering the world of blogs again. lol
beginning to find pple's blogs and getting caught up reading about pple's lives.

exciting stuff.
and yet another all-too-pleasant distraction. :)

--
i love community!

it's realli amazing to me.. this whole belonging to a spiritual community.
i think it's so beautiful the way we had a rosary offered up for brian tonight.
we didn't have to gather together in one place, we didn't have to know the full story behind his illness. it doesn't matter.. all that matters is that we are united in our faith and prayers.

at 10.30pm tonight.. when i switched off my room lights, lit a candle and offered up one rosary for brian.. there was a nice sense of solidarity that came over me.. noeing that elsewhere around the island, other friends were doing the same. and it realli struck me that our's is a community that truly loves and cares for each other. and above all, we lift each other up to God because he knows best.

i realli appreciate being part of css more and more each day. :)

--

resolution
-a solution, accommodating or settling of a problem.

things were finally resolved the other night.
it was a lot easier than i thought. smehow.
not that everything's completely dandy now.. but at least concerns and differences have been aired and a new clean slate to start from is always nice.

--

progress report

tralala.
hmm.. readings wise.. i haven't realli been able to do as much as i'd like.
im still trying to work on it.

tonight.. i'll finish up whatever nation-building readings i can.
and maybe type sme stuff to help me rmbr.

[it's terrible.. im a history major.. and more often than not.. i fall aslp over readings.. and forget what was in the readings :(
this just won't do.]

tmr.. hmm.. after we settle cg stuff.. i shall be getting more readings perhaps.
and then spending the rest of the day till lessons start.. listening to Universe lecture recordings.
oh joy. what fun.
*pls note that last line is loaded with sarcasm*

battle-stations!!

the weekend is here. it's been one helluva hectic week. from meetings - arts comm, cgls, pol sci tut grp. and smehow i actually managed to survive all of it. phew.. thanks god.

the amazing thing is.. despite all the hectic-ness.. i actually had some good days and it wasn't all bad. :)

bfast with char yest!! :) i got a free ride to sch.. in a nice car :D:D
thnx babe. it's always a joy ta ride in ur car. smooooothride.
and the best thing of all.. is that we had matching outfits!! and we didn't even coordinate!! :D
hahas.. uber cool stuff. and it was fun ta catch up over bfast.
yayness.. now there's smth more to look forward to every alt week. :)

see for yourself! :)



--

aaaahhh...
panic attack.

i've just re-organised all my lect notes, readings etc..
having a slight panic attack.
well.. maybe that's just what i need to find that drive again.
yipes. just a little bit of pressure to force the engine to get started properly again.

time to man the battle-stations. mid-terms are coming!!!
okay.. actually.. im still quite fortunate/lucky cos i havent got quite as much coming at me as other pple do. i've got two mid-term tests next week.. and one mini presentation.
-Understanding the Universe: MCQ test [open book :)]
-Nation-Building: Essay test [closed book :(]

im not soo scared for Universe.. although im still falling aslp in lectures.
im thinking i'll most probably try and find sme time to listen to the recordings of those lectures which i've yet to catch up on.

the one im realli worried for is Nation-Building.
not only because im behind in readings.. but because my memory on all this stuff which we've learnt before in JC.. isn't as good as i wld've thought/hoped. or maybe i need to refresh it more. and smemore.. there's only going to be one bloody question. that's stupid! and my tutor said that we must use our readings.. :9 yipes.

-im just looking forward to:
+cg on tuesday [for which we've not finished planning yet!! :(]
+and joining wed cg for dinner after nation-building test

the mini discussion aiyah.. shouldn't be a problem.
already met my group yesterday to dicuss.. and i think it shld be alright.. shall just spend wednesday night.. putting the stuff together. after all the madness of wednesday.

-the stupid test happens to be from 6-8pm. on my bloody free day.
and i wld've intended to go to sch to study anyway.. but well.. all the way in the evening!!

other than that.. just one essay due on the 1st of oct.
for which i've already gotten some research.. but well, i have yet to read thru the research [damn, more reading!]

--

okay. this weekend.. the focus shall be catching up on nation-building readings.
my year 2 common sense tells me.. aiyah.. it can't be thaat hard lah. it's just a one-hr essay test.. just use common sense and hopefully background knowledge to make insightful points. 1 hr only means prolly.. 4 pages or so?

first essay test of the sem.
can't afford to lose too much panic either.
it may be the onli thing that can give me back that drive i need.

--

shite. im so going to be a chao mugger this recess week.
die-die hafta catch up on a lot of stuff.
anybody care to join me in sch?? :) lol

well.. we'll see.

whirlwind

wtnb.

okay.. sorrie for starting the entry with that.
but i just typed out a nice long entry.. and then the internet had a problem and just closed down the whole thing.
grrr..
hate when that happens.

okay.. briefly.

hmm.. smehow i feel like i've been in the middle of a whirlwind lately.
like there's a lot going on around me.. but im just trying to keep up. and so far.. im not reali doing a very good job, trying to keep up in anything. it's all going too fast.. and all at the same time.

1-lectures and readings

yes. im still falling aslp in lectures. it's week 5. recess week is coming... we're almost half-way through the semester. sighs. principally it's Understanding the Universe and Total War. and it's quite sad.. because they aren't particularly bad, superbly boring lectures.. well, not exactly anyway.

Universe.. the lecturer dims the lights.. and plus im not taking it with any close friends.. so there isn't realli anyone to joke/gossip/talk cock with.

Total War.. it's very sad.. cos farrell is a good lecturer.. and i do find wars interesting.. it's just that smetimes the lectures get a wee bit dry.. and they are very long. i think it's got more to do with the fact that it's held on mondays 4-7pm.. and by that time i've already spent a large part of the day in the library, attempting to study.. and have already become quite drained.

readings. haha. im a history major smemoere. how to run away from readings?
and im taking three history modules this sem. out of which.. im only more or less up to date, as far as readings are concerned, for.. err.. one of them i think. lol nation-building.. im kinda taking for granted that we've covered this stuff before in JC.. but then again.. i dont rmbr all of it as well as i could/should.

im just realli glad im not taking german anymore. phew!
my consistency levels have dropped considerably.. i just wldn't be able to handle a language this sem.

2-being a CGL

hmm.. this has been a learning process for me. there are still things which im figuring out along the way.. and it's all good for my spiritual life.. but generally, it's taking up too much time. the planning and preparation.. when i was considering whether or not to become a cgl.. i told myself.. aiyah.. as a participant, i attend all the sessions anyway.. how much more commitment could it require? but seriously.. planning and preparation does take quite a bit of time.

but it's not so much the fact that it takes time that's a problem.
it's more that doing cg stuff/prep provides such a wonderful distraction from all the other stuff i shld be doing. i mean.. i'd MUCH rather twiddle with the cg handout, look thru passages on bible gateway, look for hymns/pictures for the handout etc.. then do my readings. :(

3-finding the balance: work, family, css, friends

argh. where does all my time go?
css twice-weekly events [CG and friday mass] are prolly the happiest time of my week.. but i can't afford any more than this. and i'd feel guilty having more dinners out.. daily dinners are family affairs in my family. and already.. im having trouble trying to keep up. those two days are effectively gone, as far as studying is concerned.

tuesdays are pretty packed with lessons.. plus worrying abt/prepping for CG.
then by the time i get home.. i take a bath.. try and catch up with family members.. and then.. if im tempted enough.. i'll prolly go online and waste sme time before heading to bed.

then weekends. bible study. and im trying v hard to make going to the adoration rm for an hr a weely habit. if at least to catch up on my bible readings. YES.. im behind on my bible readings too! sighs. lol

--
TIME TO FIND THE DRIVE AGAIN!!

was chatting online with justin lee last night.. yeah man.. he's right.. it's time to prioritise woman!!

sighs. the inspirational wallpaper on my laptop isn't working. and the feeling/mood system isn't very good either. time to try and put a new system in place. spiritual elements are all pretty much in place.. just need to spend a bit more effort in trying to get studies on track too.

drive, by Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before,
and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Chorus
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes. yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there,
I'll be there.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
will I choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive? oh oh oooh.
It's driven me before
and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that
when I drive myself my light is found.

Chorus
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes. Yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there,
I'll be there...

Would you choose water over wine....
hold the wheel and drive?

Chorus
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there
I'll be there

Dududuu Dududu Dududududu
Tomorrow Dududududuu
Dududuuu Dududu Dududududu
Tomorrow...

--

time to try and hold the wheel and drive. :)
i guess that would constitute getting off the bloody internet and getting on with my readings.. cos it's alrady almost 11am.

(damn. i knew this wld happen if i brought my laptop along. needless to say, i brought it along anyway.)

boo!

hmm.. okay.

this seems a weird time to be starting a new blog.
but for some reason.. i feel inspired to do so.
i've kept to a private blog for a long time now.. a period of isolation of sorts. more of the emo stuff that's realli not very palatable anyway.

but i've realised that i miss having a blog where pple can comment and inject more fun into my life. :)

so.. the birth of this new blog. :]
it's 1.38am now.. so i dont think i'll be able to sort out all the little decorative bits and pieces that usually come in when you set up a new blog.
tagboard etc.. yet :)
akan datang ok.

timing.
haha. im far behind in readings.. and there's a paper coming which i haven't realli prepared for.
and im still falling aslp during lectures.. and i dont realli have a good grasp on what's going on in most of my classes.

but heck.
time for a change.
and a place for venting and sharing and jus letting loose.
esp since the holidays are long gone and im gonna hafta wait DAMN long before i get to hang loose in a club. :(

--

today.. was a loooong day.

finished up cg prep early in the morning.
hope our cg members will have fun with it! :)

photocopied some research for the dictators essay.
hopefully.. they're relevant and useful in some way or other.
and i found a whole bunch of potentially useful-looking books from lvl 3! :D

hmm.. it's the reading that's the hard part. haha.. will grumble more about that when i get to it. :(

what made today REALLI long was total war lect!!
first farrell lectured from 4-7pm. [and i kept falling aslp]
and then he showed us a movie on churchill.
at least this time it was a HBO feature film, and not some super old movie. :)
The Gathering Storm. interesting stuff. :)
the movie took us till 8.30pm.

whoa. 4 hrs man.
thank god for snacks and milo. :)


aft the lecture.. went up to the library and kelvin and elaine were there studying. haha :) just went to say hi.. then went home for dinner!
it's been awhile since i've been in sch till dark.
kinda brought my mind back to o-week days.. a looong time ago. lol

OH OH OH!!
for some reason,i got high-happy after lecture ended.
i was waiting at the sheltered atm area near the central library for aunt to fetch me. and this woman driving a bmw came by.

she looked to be in her late 20s/early30s.
let me tell you.. she cannot park.
she positioned her car for the lot.. backed into it.. and had to adjust cos she ended up in btwn the middle and third lot. so she took off her seat-belt and stuck her whole head out of her window and reversed and turned the wheel at the same time.
meanwhile.. her car was coming SO CLOSE to the pillar on the other side.. i was standing there aghast..

no.. she didn't hit the pillar. thankfully.
but well.. turns out im not so pathetic after all.
i may not be able to park well.. but i dont think im as bad as that.. and she's a lot older.. plus she drives such a nice car.

jus waiting.
im jus waiting to turn 21.. and my honda jazz! :):)

--
i was on the fone with char over the weekend and i realised..
AAHHHH.. we're ONE week away from recess week!!

you've GOT to be kidding.
already!!.. oh man.
what have i been doing?
seems like it's all just whizzed by.

seriously.. where does all my time go?
-(sleeping in) lectures
-css stuff twice a week. cg and mass.
-cg planning.
-attempting to do readings in the library with css pple.
-extended lunches of fellowship and talking cock.

okay.. maybe im just getting a little bit too anxious.
after all.. 1st of october's still kinda far away isn't it?
okay, dont answer that. (im in denial)

--

CG tmr!! :)
exciting stuff.

okay, it's 2am. and i havne't packed my bag. or done any work yet tonight.

but before i go.. i shall 'steal' a line from the movie! :)
"K.B.O. - the order of the day. Keep Buggering On"
it's my new motto too!